The Ethereally Luscious Year of Crimson Tears
by Little Pickles
Summary: Harry Potter has a new threat to face: not one, not two, but THREE Mary-Sues have come to invade Hogwarts! When even your arch-enemy Malfoy is begging you to help him, you know there's something wrong. Yes, this is making fun of Potter Sues.
1. A Sparkling Train Ride

**It's summer and I now have a whole boatload of free time ahead of me (at least until July). I've decided to write a Pottersue parody because it's just too easy to poke fun at Sues. Basically, all of Hogwarts is doomed as three Sues invade the school and basically overthrow everything sane and rational out the window. All while trying to get their man (er... better make that men).**

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**Harry Potter and the Ethereally Luscious Year of Crimson Tears**

Chapter 1: A Sparkling Train Ride

It was an unusually bright day in early September as the Hogwarts Express slowly filled up with students. In fact, the birds that were fluttering about the station were chirping in harmony. This was indeed very odd, and many would have thought so had they been paying attention.

The young wizards and witches who were getting ready to go back to the famed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were most definitely not noticing the strangely cheerful attitude of the sparrows or the brightly shining sun which was uncommon in early autumn. They were all too busy catching up with friends, saying farewells to their families or else whispering excitedly about the events that had happened during the Quidditch World Cup.

One among the many students was an ordinary-looking boy named Harry Potter. Of course, anyone in the wizarding world could tell you right now that this boy was no ordinary boy, even by magical standards. He was the Boy Who Lived, defeater of the Dark Lord Voldemort at the tender age of one, future champion of the Triwizard Tournament… well, actually no. For in his fourth year at Hogwarts, all of the events that were destined to transpire, to move the plot along and help Harry fulfill his destiny… they just weren't going to happen. Harry would soon learn that the arrival of new individuals will have pretty much buggered up the plotline.

"Harry, let's go!" one of his best friends, Hermione Granger, called him from where she was standing by one of the doors of the scarlet train.

Harry's other best friend, Ron Weasley was currently trying to wriggle himself out of his mother's tight grip after his brothers Fred and George had managed to extricate themselves from Mrs. Weasley's grasp.

"Oh, do be careful, dear!" she said, near tears, "After what happened at the World Cup, I can't help but worry for all of you!"

"Mum, I'll be fine!" Ron said, finally tugging free from her arms (made all the stronger when it was a grip of Maternal Protection), "I'll be safe at Hogwarts where Dumbledore is!"

Damn, how wrong he was.

Ron joined his friends into the train and followed them as they searched for an empty compartment.

"I think I've lost the feeling in my arms," he said with a wince.

"Your mother's just worried, Ron! And I don't blame her after what happened at the World Cup. It took me a while to convince my parents to let me go back to school this year!" Hermione replied.

"There's an empty compartment!" Harry announced triumphantly. They slid their trunks above the seats and made themselves comfortable for the long journey ahead.

The train began to move, slowly at first, then picking up speed as they left the station and began rolling along the English countryside. After buying some snacks from the passing trolley (Ron spent three quarters of his galleons on chocolate frogs alone, ignoring Hermione's reproachful look), Harry was then cornered by two stern gazes.

"So, we're alone now," Ron said in a low voice, "Did Sirius write you back? About your scar hurting, I mean?"

All attempts at a serious conversation and possibilities of canon running its course smoothly were crumpled underneath a vast pile of fairy dust as their compartment door slid open.

In stepped a girl about their age, and here was when trouble started. She had fair skin, smooth and creamy as a peach (whether peaches are smooth and creamy are beside the point, this girl somehow made it happen), and her hair resembled spun gold cascading down to her lower back in curls. She was tall (but not overly tall, that would be unnatural) and thin, dressed in a bright pink tank top with a unicorn on it and a long, flowing white skirt that fell to her knees. Her dainty feet were wrapped in silver stilletos, which were made from real diamonds. Why the trio had felt the need to stare at her outfit in great detail was beyond them.

Moving his gaze from her feet, Harry swept upwards to stare at her small, but perfectly shaped lips covered in pink gloss.

_Perfectly shaped?_ He thought to himself. _What does that even mean?_

But then he was struck by the brightness of her large, wide, impossibly blue eyes. They were like oceans, two limpid pools of sapphire, azure, cobalt, navy, blueberry, smurf and… ahem, they were basically very, very blue.

The girl practically floated into their compartment, her every movement more graceful than a swan that knew ballet. She smiled shyly at them and asked in a soft, feminine voice, "May I sit with you?"

Ron, who had gone slack-jawed at the sight of the girl, merely nodded while emitting a strange sort of gurgle. Hermione merely 'hmphed' at him and moved over to give the girl some room.

"Thank you," she said in her crystal bell-like voice and rested her delicate rump on the seat.

"I haven't seen you around Hogwarts before," Hermione said, "My name is Hermione Granger."

"I'm Harry," Harry chimed in, avoiding saying his last name out of habit when meeting new people. The girl turned her insanely blue eyes towards him, letting them flick upwards toward his scar and she gave a little gasp.

That small noise seemed to have snapped Ron out of his reverie, for he suddenly gaped at the girl with one eyebrow raised and pointed at her. "Did your eyes just… change color?"

Harry followed his friend's gaze and noticed that indeed, the girl's eyes had gone from impossibly blue to golden amber butterscotch.

"Oh!" the girl let out a little tinkling laugh that set Hermione's teeth on edge despite herself. "Yes, my eyes change color depending on my mood! It is a special gift I have always had. I was surprised just now at meeting _the_ Harry Potter, so they turned golden!"

"I've never heard of that before," Hermione muttered to herself, but the girl wasn't paying attention to her and was smiling widely at Harry, showing off her perfectly even, blindingly white teeth.

"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron said quickly, "And we're all in Gryffindor. You're not a fourth year, are you? Don't think we've seen you in any classes with us."

The girl took a moment to inhale deeply, which the three friends found very odd, until she spoke.

"My name is Eliana Vanoria Serenity Rose Hikaru Kash'ania Gwenevere Elizabeth Diamond Starr Merianwë Cornacoria, Princess of the Stars."

Outside, the sun shone dazzlingly and little brown sparrows twittered by the window. It was as if the mere declaration of her name caused the weather to brighten and the animals to sing.

"Er…" was all Harry could say while Ron was busy trying to memorize all of her names by counting on his fingers and muttering to himself.

"That's… that's quite a mouthful," Hermione said with a nervous laugh.

"You can just call me Eliana," the girl said, "I prefer not to use my full name. It gets me quite a bit of publicity." She blushed, showing that she was modest, because modesty was an endearing trait, and she was nothing if not endearing.

"Wait a moment!" Ron exclaimed after he was done ticking 'Cornacoria' off his finger, "Did you just say you were a princess?"

Eliana nodded, making her curlier-than-curly-fries curls bounce around her flawless face. "Yes, I am the Princess of the Stars. My father rules over the celestial heavens, and the stars in the night sky bestow powers upon me. Powers of healing, and powers of defeating evil!"

"I'm not sure I follow," Hermione said, trying to keep a polite smile. This girl was crazier than Luna Lovegood.

"Are you part Veela, by any chance?" Harry asked. Ron was back to gazing into her eyes, which had gone back to their original bluer-than-blue.

"Yes! How did you guess?" Eliana said happily, "My grandmother is part Veela and part mermaid. I can willingly change my legs into a tail when I'm underwater."

Hermione was still pondering how that could be possible (it didn't make sense, even in magical surroundings) when Eliana continued wowing them with her lineage: "I am also half-Elven."

Ron choked on the chocolate frog he was eating. "What, like… like a house elf?" he said between coughs. "Blimey, you look good for a house elf!"

Eliana laughed her high, tinkling laugh, and Hermione could have sworn it was an octave higher than before.

"No, silly! The tall, beautiful sort of elves! See?" She swung back her curls to reveal her daintily pointed ear. "My grandmother is Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien."

"Where is that?" Harry asked.

"In Middle-Earth. My mother is her youngest daughter, and she was sent here to Earth after Sauron tried to make her his bride." Eliana looked very grave as she spoke. "She met my father, the King of the Stars, and they fell in love."

"Wait a moment, isn't Galadriel a character in that famous fantasy book?" Hermione interrupted. Poor Hermione was of yet unaware that a crossover had already happened in the story.

Eliana's eyes flashed red as she turned towards her. "She is very much real," she said, her voice taking on a hard edge, "I am a renowned princess in Lothlórien!"

"I thought you were the Princess of the Stars."

"I am the princess of several kingdoms," Eliana said, nodding her head vigorously.

"So what house are you in?" Harry asked in a vain attempt to change the subject to something more normal.

Eliana gave a mournful little sigh. Her fingers began to play with the hem of her skirt as she looked down. "I'm not in any house. I transferred to Hogwarts this year from Sparklefarts Academy of Magic and Fairy Dust."

"There have been no records of transfer students in _Hogwarts: A History_," Hermione said with a frown.

"Well, that doesn't mean it can't happen," Ron replied, earning him a glare from his friend. "What?"

"I suppose Dumbledore is making an exception for me because I'm his granddaughter," Eliana said.

At that point, Hermione was beginning to develop a headache, while Harry and Ron stared at her disbelievingly. Surely this girl was taking the piss out of them by now, because everybody knew that Dumbledore was as gay as a fruitcake with a side of vanilla ice cream.

"How does… How can… Whaaaa?" was all Ron could say at that point.

Eliana smiled brightly. "Dumbledore is my father's father. He fell in love with my grandmother who was the Queen of the Stars until my father succeeded her. Alas, they were torn apart by the forces of Voldemort and could not be together!" A single, crystalline tear fell down her cheek and fell upon her delicate hand. "This is why I have retained my grandmother's last name."

Her sadness caused the sky outside to turn dull and grey, and the sparrows to fall to the ground.

Harry made a mental note to ask Dumbledore about this girl when they arrived at Hogwarts. He could see Hermione open her mouth, possibly wanting to question Eliana, but he quickly interceded by asking the newcomer to tell them more about herself. He had a feeling Hermione was going to erupt if she heard more magical nonsense come out of her mouth.

The rest of the journey passed relatively well, despite Hermione's increasing irritation. Harry and Ron asked Eliana about every aspect of her life. She told them of her past school, which had a fairy for a headmistress who sprinkled lucky dust on students who were good. She explained that she had magical powers that could heal even basilisk poison (Hermione had opened her mouth at that, but Ron had shushed her with a frantic wave of his hand), she could fly (she was Princess of the Stars, after all) and she could communicate with all animals both magical and non-magical, have the weather respond to her mood (it was sunny outside again and by now many Muggle meteorologists were baffled), conjure up a Patronus which took on the form of a unicorn, and she was an animagus who could transform into a unicorn herself. She could also turn into a mermaid as she mentioned earlier (but reminded the three in case they had forgotten).

"Wow," Harry said at the end of her explanation. She had talked for so long that the sky outside had already grown dark. They decided to change into their student robes, knowing that they would arrive at Hogsmeade very soon.

"So, I guess you're going to cross the lake with the first years, then," Ron told Eliana, "Since you have to be sorted and all."

"I suppose," she replied, "Grandfather didn't tell me how I was to be sorted."

The train ground to a halt, letting all aboard know that they had arrived. Harry, Ron and Hermione picked up their trunks and left the compartment. Eliana's trunk was being carried by her pet cat Rashiel, a large and fluffy white feline with wings on his back.

"He can turn into a Siberian tiger," she told Hermione, who stared at her with a grim expression very similar to Professor McGonagall's.

"Well, see you at the feast then," Harry said to Eliana. She gave another dazzling smile, waved her dainty little hand, and followed the first years who were being guided by Hagrid towards the lake.

"Absolute nonsense," Hermione was saying to them as they found a carriage to load their trunks onto, "That girl is ridiculous. Half of her claims don't make any sense whatsoever!"

"She didn't seem to be lying," Harry offered.

"And she has such nice hair," Ron said dreamily out of nowhere.

Hermione rolled her eyes at the two, muttered something like, "Boys!" and sat herself in the carriage.

"Can I sit with you?" a small voice asked. They turned to see Neville Longbottom, clutching his toad Trevor close to him.

"Sure, Neville! Climb aboard!" Ron said with a grin.

The carriage began to move as the four inside got comfortably settled. The trees passed by the windows at a slow pace, letting them know they were not getting to the castle immediately.

"You seem tense, Neville," Hermione said, regarding him kindly. He was indeed biting his lip nervously and at one point squeezed Trevor so tightly that his pet croaked in indignation.

"I had to share the compartment with a scary girl on the train," he said quietly, "Ginny and Colin were with me, and they also found her odd. She was dressed all in black, and her makeup was dark, and I swear I saw a bat fly out of her robe." He shuddered.

"We had a strange girl in our compartment too," Harry said, "She told us she was Dumbledore's granddaughter among other things."

Neville's eyes widened. "Dumbledore's… But isn't he–"

"Yes, well, she was obviously trying to get attention," Hermione interrupted.

"Hermione, don't tell me you're jealous," Ron said exasperatedly.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Nonsense," she muttered again.

The carriage passed through the winged boar gates and as they ascended the hill, Harry could finally see the highest towers of the castle. He felt relief wash over him as he found himself once again at the place he called home. It was good to be back.

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**And that was chapter 1. It's kind of a plot-centric story, despite the fact that it's making fun of Sues. It's a Sue parody with a plot! Eliana of Sparklypoo has been introduced, but more are yet to come. I actually spend a few minutes thinking up all of her names, adding in an Elven-sounding one, the obligatory Serena/Serenity variety as well as a Japanese name for good measure. Seemed fitting. XD**

**Hermione is already sensing trouble.**


	2. That Poor Spoon

**We last left off with Harry, Ron and Hermione meeting Eliana Vanoria Serenity Rose Hikaru Kash'ania Gwenevere Elizabeth Diamond Starr Merianwë Cornacoria, who is Dumbledore's granddaughter, Galadriel's granddaughter (how is that possible, you ask? I don't know either), part-veela and part-mermaid among other things. Things are about to go even more insane when two new arrivals show up. Oh, Harry. You can never escape the Sues.**

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Chapter 2: That Poor Spoon

The four Gryffindors jumped out of the carriage as soon as it halted. They joined the group of students walking into the Entrance Hall, glad to be indoors where it was warm. Ron was especially keen on the feast that was awaiting them. The Great Hall was lit with hundreds of floating candles, and the enchanted ceiling above showed a clear and starry sky. The staff table was already occupied by all of the teachers, none of them looking particularly happy. They had been informed in advance about the special new students arriving at Hogwarts this year, and needless to say they didn't take it very well. Snape was looking more sour than usual (a feat within itself), Hagrid looked uneasy and Professor Sprout couldn't stop the small whimper that escaped from her. Even Dumbledore's eyes seemed to twinkle less than usual.

Harry sat at the Gryffindor table next to Lavender Brown, who was busy telling her friend Parvati about a rude girl she had encountered on the train.

"And she had the nerve to call me a slut!" Lavender said huffily, "Even though she's the one who couldn't seem to contain all of her cleavage in that tiny shirt–"

Deciding that he didn't want to hear the rest of this conversation, Harry looked at Dumbledore and tried to gauge his attitude to see if he was acting differently, what with his supposed granddaughter being here and all. But, being Dumbledore, he gave away nothing that would suggest anything was amiss. He stood up, and as he did so, the entire hall went silent.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," he said, sweeping his arms to either side of him, "I can imagine you are all famished. As such, we shall begin the sorting of the first years immediately."

"Is it just me, or does he seem in a bit of a hurry to get the sorting over with?" Hermione whispered to them.

"He's probably hungry like the rest of us," Ron said, not bothering to lower his voice quite as much, "Dumbledore needs to eat too."

Harry agreed with Hermione, though. There were no words of wisdom from Dumbledore this year, no speech referring to any events, not even about what had happened at the Quidditch World Cup. Of course, Dumbledore knew that there was no point in saying anything about this year, because they were all doomed anyway. But Harry didn't know that yet.

Professor McGonagall entered the Great Hall, the old Sorting Hat in her hand and the list of the first years' names in the other. She was followed by a line of young students, all with varying degrees of nervousness upon their faces.

"I don't see Eliana," Ron said. Harry squinted at the moving sea of black robes. Eliana would surely have stood out in the crowd, and she wasn't there as far as he could tell.

A terrified squeak across from him alerted Harry. He turned to see Neville look at the group of first years in fear.

"That's the scary girl from the train!" he whispered to Harry, Ron and Hermione.

He was pointing to a girl taller than the rest, who looked to be around their age. She was abnormally pale, and Harry wondered whether she wasn't a vampire. Her long, raven black hair was straight, ending in tips of crimson down to her lower back. Her eyes were stunningly silver, contrasted by the smoky black eye makeup she was wearing. Her nose was straight and thin, and her lips were small, the upper lip painted in blood red and the lower lip in smoky black. A pair of spider earrings dangled from her ears. She had a few silver eyebrow piercings, a lip ring and a nose stud (the dress code in this place was becoming slacker, Harry thought) as well as a bat wing tattoo on her chest. Her school uniform somehow managed to include a corset, black lacy fingerless gloves (her nails were painted black for good measure) and giant leather boots with numerous buckles and chains dangling from them. She was looking rather bored and was muttering under her breath.

"Don't tell me she's another transfer student!" Hermione said disbelievingly.

Professor McGonagall had unrolled the list and begun calling out the names of the first-year students. One after another, the hat would be put atop a head, sometimes mumbling for a few minutes, other times immediately yelling out a house name. They had just gotten through the W's before Ron's stomach began to grumble.

"Oh God, hurry up!" he moaned, "Let's get to the feasting already!"

Suddenly, the doors to the Great Hall opened and Professor McGonagall stopped her name-calling and looked up in alarm.

A girl strode forward, the click-click of her six-inch red heels echoing across the floor. She stopped in front of the group of first years, ignoring the stares she was getting from everyone else.

"I got lost," she said nonchalantly in an American accent, "It's hard to see in the dark, you know. You guys should really think about installing some street lamps."

"That's the girl from the train!" Lavender hissed behind Harry.

She was tall and curvaceous, a noticeable trait due to the tightness of her clothes. Her robes were untied, showing off her 'slightly' modified uniform. Her skirt was barely brushing her buttocks, showing off her bronze skin. Her shirt was unbuttoned and her very generous cleavage was on proud display. Professor McGonagall stared at the girl's outfit and her mouth was set in such a thin line that her lips were practically gone.

The girl paid no heed and flipped her long, wavy, fiery red hair over her shoulders (letting everyone see the dangling diamond earrings she wore) and let it tumble down her back. Her pouting lips were cherry colored and her almond shaped eyes were a vivid green mixed with hazel.

"This is going to be a very weird year," Neville murmured.

"Don't think it'll be too bad," Ron said dazedly. He was staring openly at the newcomer's chest, and he was far from being the only boy in the room. Even Harry caught himself staring for a while.

Professor McGonagall recovered from her initial shock and cleared her throat; she felt that she would need a tall glass of sherry once the feast was over.

"Desdemona Raven Sangria Morgana Night Von Licorice."

The mysterious black haired girl came forward and threw a dirty look at those who began to whisper behind her, effectively silencing them. She sat down on the stool and the Sorting Hat was placed on her head. Her narrow eyes swept threw the crowd and she grinned with a superior air.

"Bet I can guess what house she'll be in," Ron whispered into Harry's ear.

The hat muttered for a few moments before bursting into raucous laughter. Professor McGonagall was stunned along with many of the students. The Sorting Hat had never laughed before.

"Are you mad, girl? You call that a dark and foreboding past? I've lived for a thousand years and I can assure you that you most certainly do not have _that_ painful of a life!" it hooted and hollered.

Harry wondered what the hat could have possibly read in this girl's mind that amused him so.

"Alright, alright… If you insist on being dark and broody, I shall put you in SLYTHERIN!"

The Slytherin table's clapping was rather subdued as Desdemona removed the hat and flipped it off, making a few of the girls gasp and many boys chuckle. She sidled over to the table and sat next to Draco Malfoy, whom Harry was pleased to see seemed quite disturbed by her already.

Professor McGonagall continued calling out names and sorting the first years one by one, until finally the tall redheaded girl was left.

"Zenith, Tasha!"

The girl catwalked to the stool, sat down and crossed her legs, letting the front row of students see what color undergarments she was wearing for a brief moment. Some of the boys had to bury their suddenly bleeding noses into their napkins.

Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on her head and the Great Hall waited with collective baited breath. It seemed to squirm uncomfortably on top of Tasha's head before finally shouting, "RAVENCLAW! Now please get me off this girl's head before I combust with shame! The images! Goodness!"

The Ravenclaw table applauded, the boys quite a bit more enthusiastically than the girls. Tasha sashayed over and sat down next to Roger Davies who was positively grinning from ear to ear.

"Something is not quite right here," Hermione muttered, eyeing the new arrivals warily.

The sorting was not yet over. A side door near the staff table opened wide, making many students whip their heads around. A familiar girl slowly walked out, gazing at the crowd a little nervously.

"It's Eliana!" Ron whispered.

Harry glanced at Dumbledore to see him watching her impassively. Eliana made her way over to the stool and sat down. Many of the boys sighed dreamily as she gracefully folded her dainty hands on her lap. Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on her head.

It grumbled for a long while, and Eliana was beginning to chew nervously on her lower lip. Ron was about to groan when the hat finally spoke.

"I cannot choose a house for this girl. She possesses great loyalty and a pure heart as well as great courage. She shall be in both HUFFLEPUFF AND GRYFFINDOR!"

There was a sudden rise of murmuring among the students. Quite a few were craning their necks to get a better look at Eliana. Professor McGonagall removed the hat from her head and asked her which table she would like to sit at. She looked around her and spotted Harry, Ron and Hermione gaping at her like fish. As she made her way towards them, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas immediately slid aside to give her room. Lavender and Parvati leaned over and began complimenting her on her hair. Eliana smiled brightly at all of them and spoke happily to each one.

"How is this possible?" Hermione mouthed to Harry, who merely shrugged.

Dumbledore stood up once more and the Great Hall became quiet, save for a few whispers. "I am sure that you have many questions pertaining to some of our new students," he said, and many nodded or looked at him expectantly. "I must confess that it is quite an unexpected turn of events for even myself. I would firstly like to introduce Eliana Vanoria Serenity Rose Hikaru Kash'ania Gwenevere Elizabeth Diamond Starr Merianwë Cornacoria, who has been sorted into two houses."

All eyes turned to Eliana, who blushed as her eyes turned fuchsia with embarrassment. Seamus and Dean sighed dreamily.

"She is the Princess of the Stars ("What does that mean?" many students whispered to each other) as well as being royalty in several other kingdoms and she is my… my granddaughter."

So it was true, Harry thought. Why had Dumbledore never mentioned her before? He noticed the old wizard's slight hesitation at her introduction. The whispering broke out around him again as everyone wondered the same thing.

"She has come to fulfill a prophecy to save the queen of the unicorns in the Forbidden Forest," he continued. Behind him, Professor McGonagall suppressed a derisive snort and Snape closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I trust that all staff and students will therefore not report her if they see her go into the Forest alone. She will be in there for a reason. Everyone else is naturally forbidden to enter."

Eliana lifted her head high at her grandfather's words and looked at him with determination. Her silky blond hair blew dramatically behind her, despite there being no wind in the Great Hall.

"Miss Von Licorice has come to Hogwarts from Durmstrang, after deciding that several painful and very dark incidents in her life meant that she needed to change schools and lead a new existence."

Desdemona flipped her hair so that it covered one side of her face and made her seem more tortured than before. She flipped the finger to anyone who stared at her for too long. Malfoy was slowly inching as far away from her as possible.

"Miss Zenith is a transfer student from America, who came here after her parents took up a job offer in London. She comes from a very wealthy and powerful wizarding family."

Tasha Zenith tapped her perfectly manicured nails impatiently against the table. The Ravenclaw boys were still not done ogling her and the girls were looking less than happy at having her in their house. Harry noticed that Cho Chang was positively glowering.

"I trust that you will make our new students as well as the first years comfortable," Dumbledore finished, "And now, let the feast begin!"

Plates of food magically appeared at each table and everyone eagerly dug in. Ron took a bit from each dish and soon had a miniature hill in front of him. Harry helped himself to the delicious baked potatoes the house elves made so well. Hermione did not seem particularly hungry and was poking the few vegetables on her plate, deep in thought.

"Oh, I'm so glad to be in Gryffindor!" Eliana declared. She ate her food very delicately and held her fork with her pinky finger up (the same went for her knife, and when she was holding her goblet). "Just like Grandfather!"

"We didn't know you were related to Dumbledore!" Seamus said on her left.

"Yeah, it's not like he really talks about his family," Dean added on her right.

"It's for my safety," Eliana replied, nodding, "The Kingdom of the Stars has many enemies. The Death Eaters would target me just for being Dumbledore's granddaughter."

"I can't believe you got sorted into two houses," Ron said after having the decency to swallow a mouthful of roast beef, "Hufflepuffs are sort of push-overs, but they're a nice lot."

Eliana glanced at the Hufflepuff table. All of a sudden, her eyes rested upon a muscular boy, with a chiseled face, a neat wave of brown hair and a lovely pair of grey eyes.

"Who is that?" she asked in a hushed voice. Her long fingers rested atop her breast just above her pounding heartbeat. Harry noticed that her eyes had turned cotton candy pink. He turned to see who she could be looking at, but it was difficult to tell in the crowd of Hufflepuffs.

Ron frowned, his cheeks filled with mashed potatoes. "Who e'actly are you roohing a'?"

"The boy with hair of chocolate and eyes of sterling silver," Eliana said breathlessly, still transfixed.

Harry wasn't sure who in Hogwarts could possibly fit that description, but noticed the only brown-haired, grey-eyed boy he knew in Hufflepuff. It was no surprise that Eliana had noticed him; most girls did.

"That's Cedric Diggory," he told her, "He's a sixth year and he's the captain and Seeker for the Hufflepuff Quidditch team."

"We travelled to the World Cup with him and his dad," Ron supplied after swallowing his food.

Eliana eyed the handsome boy and couldn't help the blush that rose to her cheeks. He was talking merrily to his friends sitting all around him. She felt something stir in her that she had never felt before… What was this strange yet beautiful feeling, glowing within her like a star?

While Eliana was busy sighing over Cedric, Harry glanced curiously over at the Ravenclaw table. Tasha Zenith was pointedly ignoring the many boys who were attempting to strike up a conversation with her.

"God, you guys are NOT HOT ENOUGH FOR ME! How many times do I have to say it?" she yelled at them. The angry flush that invaded her cheeks as well as her heaving bosom did nothing but make the boys sigh with more longing.

"I guess it's not your fault. You're kind of stuck with some pretty average-looking girls and fugs around here." Tasha inspected her nails before pushing her plate away roughly. "I only eat vegan food!" she said indignantly.

Harry made a mental note never to cross this girl; she seemed much too high maintenance and what with his already sub-par skill with girls, it was a good idea not to get on Tasha's bad side. Even if it meant he couldn't ogle her magnificent cleavage… Give the poor boy a break. Everyone's a giant ball of hormones when they're fourteen. That doesn't mean he fancies her or anything.

Harry glanced over at the Slytherin table; Desdemona was alternating between eating with a haughty air and brooding, as if she was trying to decide whether to look superior or tortured at the dinner table. Malfoy had his head turned in the complete opposite direction and was engaging in very deep conversation with Pansy Parkinson, trying very hard to ignore the odd and slightly scary girl next to him.

His eyes turned back towards Tasha out of curiosity. She had thoroughly forgotten the Ravenclaw boys trying to get her attention and was busy lasciviously sucking on her spoon and giving it little licks, all the while making doe eyes towards the staff table. Wondering who on Earth she could be doing that to, Harry followed her gaze and practically choked on his pumpkin juice. Severus Snape was on the receiving end of her seduction, and he was looking far from pleased. Harry was baffled that anyone could consider that slimy-haired git attractive. Ron seemed to share his thoughts, for he soon asked in a tone that showed he was clearly disturbed, "Did that Zenith girl just do… that… to Snape?"

"Yes," Harry replied flatly.

Ron made a horrified face. "What's wrong with her?"

"I get the feeling this year will be very interesting," Hermione said with a grim smile.

The feasted ended soon after and the Great Hall's noise dwindled to many satisfied murmurs and yawns. Dumbledore stood up once more. "Now that we have satisfied our hunger, I'm sure you must all be ready for bed. Prefects, please escort your houses to the dormitories. Have a good night and welcome back to Hogwarts!"

"Sounds like a good idea to me!" Ron said, stretching, "Let's go."

"I'll come along!" Eliana piped up. She skipped forward and wound her arm around Ron's, smiling brightly at him. Ron's face turned as red as his hair, but he was too flustered to say anything and walked with her to the grand staircase, Hermione rolling her eyes behind them. They followed the rest of the Gryffindors to their dormitory. They could hear Desdemona tell all of the Slytherins as they walked to the dungeons that she 'would personally fuck over anyone who woke her up in the middle of the night'.

On their way to Gryffindor Tower, Eliana couldn't contain her gasps and squeals as she saw the moving staircases. The many portraits they passed by on their way complimented her on her beauty, and she thanked each of them with a tinkling laugh. Harry was beginning to wonder whether one could lose their hearing from prolonged exposure to such high-pitched noise when they finally arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Oh my!" Eliana's hand flew to her rosebud of a mouth, "What an unfortunate woman! There must be some way one can lose a few pounds in a painting! She would look absolutely stunning afterwards!"

The Fat Lady raised an eyebrow at her, but swung forward after the password was recited. Harry, Ron and Hermione hurriedly ushered Eliana in before she could put her foot deeper into her mouth. She was very pleased at the appearance of the common room.

"Oh, it looks so cushy and lush!" she exclaimed with a clap of her hands.

"You'll get to spend loads of time here doing homework," Ron said, "Well, er… good night."

"Good night, Ron!" She kissed him on the cheek, sending him into a wide grin. She moved to Harry and kissed him as well. "Oh, I must simply kiss all of you!"

Harry stood there watching her peck one of the cheeks of every single boy there (most of the girls had hurriedly excused themselves and rushed off to their dormitories).

"Well then, I'll see you two tomorrow," Hermione said before going up the staircase.

Eliana darted after her. "Oh, I can't wait to see my room! Grandfather told me that I would have my own private suite! Somehow, it seemed to magically appear just before my arrival at Hogwarts!"

Hermione froze on the stairs, but was quickly dragged off by her elbow to see this new supposed suite.

"Here it is!" Eliana threw open a set of double doors which had never been there before, next to Hermione's shared room. Her jaw dropped as she took in the brightly painted pink walls and the king-sized four-poster bed with purple sheets that had silk curtains hanging on all sides. There was a large sofa in front of a giant mirror, which Eliana explained was used to catch up on her latest shows. The side room on the left led to a private bathroom, which included a built-in Jacuzzi with scented candles.

Eliana threw her golden curls behind her back and smiled. "This is perfect!"

"I… I need to lie down," Hermione said faintly. She staggered out of the suite without so much as a 'good night' and managed to make it to her room before she fell on her bed without even taking off her shoes.

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**So now there's a Sparklypoo, a Bitchiwitch and a Tootsitramp loose in Hogwarts. There has been a multiple house sorting, a private suite, and already lusting after Snape. Apologies to Snape fans, but I don't think Harry would look upon a girl (especially a girl his age) finding his most despised teacher attractive. And let's face it, poor Snape has an entire country of Sues lusting after him. Next up, first day of classes!**


	3. There's a Backstory?

**I'm probably putting way more thought into this than there should be in a parody. Oh well.**

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Chapter 3: There's a Backstory?

Harry was startled awake by someone shaking him vigorously and hissing at him. "Harry! Harry, wake up!"

Groaning, Harry turned his head but the person only shook him harder. His eyes snapped open and he nearly jumped as he saw Hermione's face very close to his.

"Hermione, what time is it?" he mumbled (once his heart rate went down).

"It's quarter past seven! No one is awake yet, so we can go to Professor Dumbledore's office without anyone asking questions!"

"Dumbledore's office? Why, what happened?" Harry stood up straight, now fully alert and gazing at her with concern, noting that she was already fully dressed. He searched around for his glasses as she spoke.

"We need to ask him about his granddaughter," Hermione said, "There's just something very odd about her and the way she carries herself! Her origins make no sense whatsoever! There must be a reason why Dumbledore has kept her a secret!"

Harry adjusted his glasses over his nose and frowned. "You woke me up for _that_? Why do I need to come along?"

"Because I'm sure Dumbledore would be more willing to tell you about it," Hermione insisted.

"And you want to know because–?"

"Because this is just not right!" Hermione said angrily. Her eyes looked maniacal in the dim light of the morning; Harry had never seen her this worked up in frenzy since she had gotten upset over Barty Crouch's treatment of his house-elf at the World Cup. "She has powers even Dumbledore doesn't possess! She's supposedly going to live for millennia to come, she transfers to Hogwarts to fulfill some ridiculous prophecy about unicorns, and to make things even more ludicrous, she gets sorted into two houses and gets her own private suite!"

"But–" Harry began.

"A j_acuzzi_, Harry! She has a jacuzzi! Even if she is his granddaughter, this blatant display of favoritism can't be good! I noticed most of the teachers last night weren't looking particularly pleased."

"Wait!" Harry scrambled out of bed and picked up his robes. "Don't you think we'd sort of be prying into his personal family matters? I'm not sure Dumbledore would want to discuss this with us."

"And while we're at it, we can ask about those other two transfer students as well," Hermione continued, completely ignoring him, "Let's go!"

"But what about Ron?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and glared at his snoring form in the bed next to Harry's. "I tried to wake him up, but he merely swatted at me and went back to sleep. Let's just go ourselves."

Knowing that he was not going to convince her otherwise, Harry reluctantly dressed himself while she waited outside. The two crept out of the dormitory and hurried down the tower as quietly as they could.

"Do you think we should've taken the Invisibility Cloak?" Harry asked anxiously.

"We're not doing anything wrong," Hermione replied, "It would look more suspicious if we were caught wearing it."

They hurried down to the second floor of the castle and neared the corridor where the stone gargoyle guarding the entrance to the headmaster's office stood. Harry was so busy wondering how they were going to convince Dumbledore to answer their questions that he nearly ran into the man himself.

"And what are you two doing, running about the castle so early?" Dumbledore asked, but the twitch of his lips showed he was not about to scold them. "And without Mr. Weasley?"

"Professor Dumbledore!" Hermione was holding onto Harry's arm, having caught him after he nearly stumbled back, "We, er… We wanted to, well… to ask you a few questions."

Dumbledore nodded somberly. "You want to know more about my granddaughter," he said.

Hermione blushed and looked at her shoes. Harry thought that he was about to let them down gently, tell them that they were overstepping their boundaries concerning his private matters and send them on their way. He felt disappointment sink into the pit of his stomach. He had been burning with curiosity to learn more about Eliana despite himself.

"I was wondering when you would come to me with your questions," Dumbledore said, "But let us discuss the rest in my office and away from listening ears."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, hardly daring to believe their luck. Dumbledore spoke the password to the stone gargoyle (it was "Sugar Quill" this week), and they followed him down the spiraling staircase that appeared. Hermione had never been in the headmaster's office unlike Harry, and she looked around her in amazement. Harry thought that this was the perfect environment for Hermione to work in someday, surrounded by so many books and complicated magical instruments, which he was sure that she knew the function of each and every one. He noticed that the perch near the headmaster's desk was empty.

"Professor, where's Fawkes?" he asked.

"Ah, yes. I'm afraid he has taken his leave of the castle this year," Dumbledore said. He sat down in the large chair and interlaced his fingers on the desk. "After the arrival of our three new non-first year students, he flew away."

"Why?" Harry wondered as he and Hermione took seats in the chairs opposite the headmaster.

"I suppose I should start from the beginning. You see, Eliana was… unplanned, to say the least."

"Pardon me sir, but… we were surprised to find out you had any descendants," Hermione said.

"And aren't you… well, I mean…" Harry stammered. How could you politely ask your headmaster about his sexual orientation?

Dumbledore smiled. "Yes Harry, I am. Of course, that does not mean that I am incapable of reproducing."

Harry blushed. "Oh, I know that! I was just… er…"

"I understand, Harry. And believe me when I say that I had never planned on having any children. I suppose Eliana told you that I fell in love with her grandmother but we were torn apart by Voldemort?"

Harry and Hermione nodded. Dumbledore closed his eyes for a brief moment as if staving off fatigue. "I thought so. I can tell you now that it is complete poppycock. I am afraid that my granddaughter has an unfortunate tendency to over-romanticize everything to the point of changing the truth. Eliana's grandmother was the Queen of the Stars, as I'm sure she has mentioned to you. I myself had never heard of a magical royal family of the sort and thought this strange woman I met during one of my travels was merely pulling my leg, as Muggles say. She seemed quite offended when I would not acknowledge her royal status and then claimed that I would help her create a powerful child. When I told her that although I was flattered, I had no interest in women, she shouted that no man could resist her and bound me with powerful and unknown magic. I had never heard of 'celestial magick' as she put it; in fact, it was something that didn't seem possible in this universe we live in. Nevertheless, I was bound and trapped, and she then took advantage of me."

Hermione looked horrified and Harry's face paled considerably. Dumbledore noticed their disturbed reactions and sighed. "Yes, I have to admit that I was helpless. I was only seventy-six at the time and perhaps not as powerful as I am now."

Harry didn't want to point out that seventy-six wasn't exactly the pinnacle of youth. Dumbledore must have looked the same then as he did now and he certainly did not need the visuals that were currently going through his head. Oh God, he was going to have nightmares about his aged headmaster getting ravished now.

"I never saw the Queen again, but was sent a message a year after our… _rencontre_, stating that she had given birth to a son. He grew to become King of the Stars, and though I have never met him, I have heard that he knew all forms of magical martial arts, carried over several hundred weapons on his person, defeated a rather famous Muggle named Chuck Norris, and had scores of women at his feet."

Hermione spoke quietly, and was unable to suppress all of her derision in her tone. "Pardon me sir, but that sounds about as far-fetched as Eliana's description of her various origins as well as her special abilities."

Dumbledore smiled. "You are quite right, Miss Granger. I must admit that I was never too sad at not having met my son. The entire royal family sound like they are a handful as well as having either an enormous superiority complex or false modesty to garner praise. I am quite embarrassed at having any relation to them at all."

"And so my son married an Elven princess, or so I've heard. Of course, the only mention of such Elves are in a trilogy of books written by a Muggle author. How this is therefore possible is brushed off by Eliana without any explanation other than 'it just is'."

"Professor, can you explain how she was sorted into two houses and had a private suite magically appear for her?" Hermione asked.

"Two very good questions, Miss Granger. I have no idea why the Sorting Hat chose to put her in both Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. As for her magically appearing suite, well… The castle sometimes has a mind of its own and has apparently deemed her special enough to award Eliana her own room."

Hermione was about to protest, but Harry quickly cut her off. "Professor, what about the other two transfer students? Is there anything special about them?"

"Apparently so, Harry. Miss Von Licorice lost both of her parents in a tragic accident involving broomsticks and a magically altered weasel. She has never gotten over their deaths, and has since then seen her uncle, her two aunts, her five cousins and her gardener all die very odd deaths. She studied at the Durmstrang Institute, a wizarding school in the northeastern part of Europe. They are known for having a penchant for the Dark Arts. Desdemona was beset with more tragedy while at school as her best friend fell victim to a badly stirred potion that blew up in her face, after which she believed herself to be a unicorn in a girl's body. Unable to be near her severely altered friend, Desdemona transferred this year to Hogwarts to escape the pain of her past."

Was that why she seemed so broody, Harry wondered. The dark makeup and pseudo-gothic clothes were things he had only seen Muggle teenagers wear. It was rather odd to now have a witch walking around in a corset and insulting anyone who annoyed her.

"What about Tasha Zenith, Professor?" Hermione asked, "To be honest, her clothes are quite… well, I'm afraid they can be deemed rather… distracting." She shot a glare at Harry, who grinned sheepishly.

"I didn't stare _that_ much," he mumbled.

Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, Miss Zenith. Well, as I have told everyone during the welcoming feast, she is an American witch who used to attend The Upper East Side School of Magic, Yo in New York. Her parents are very wealthy thestral breeders who have accepted a job position in England. They are in fact helping to multiply the thestrals for Hogwarts' carriage-pulling use, and therefore their daughter now attends our school. As for her school robes, I am afraid that Professor McGonagall has already attempted to magically alter them to fit our standard dress code. Unfortunately, it seems that the moment Miss Zenith's skirt reaches her knees, the seams begin to rip and it becomes short once more. The buttons on her shirt have even been magically stitched together, but they keep popping off. It would seem that it is impossible to cover her modestly in any way."

Hermione rubbed her temples, trying to stave off another headache. "This doesn't make any sense," she muttered to herself.

Dumbledore smiled in sympathy. "No, it does not. In fact, the reason Fawkes flew away was because he couldn't stand being near such illogical beings. But there is something more important that I must tell you. This concerns you especially, Harry."

Harry leaned forward, feeling slightly nervous. He wasn't sure he wanted Dumbledore to give him a task related to any of these girls. They were pretty damn intimidating, after all.

"If you begin to behave oddly, Harry, in any way at all, you must come to me at once. If you start to describe people or generally speak in very flowery and prosaic language, such as calling someone a tall brunet with cascading copper hair and sapphire orbs, tell me immediately."

"Why would I start talking like that?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore gazed at him through his half-moon spectacles, looking as grave as if he were talking about Lord Voldemort. "I am afraid these three girls give off some strange side effects, especially to those of the male persuasion. You may also feel as if you would want to start singing Muggle songs (which may not have been written yet) while feeling emotional or writing anguished poetry, but you must resist these urges at all costs. Do you understand?"

Harry nodded, though he was feeling very confused. These were the strangest warnings Dumbledore had ever given him. What could possibly be so special about these girls?

"Miss Granger, I trust you will look after your two friends and make sure they don't get into any trouble."

"Of course, Professor," Hermione said, looking determined.

Dumbledore smiled and the heavy cloud of foreboding that had been floating above them suddenly lifted. "Good," he said in a considerably more light-hearted voice, "Now run along to breakfast. Mr. Weasley must be down there already wondering where the two of you are. And good luck with your year."

Boy, were they going to need it.

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**I think that most Suethors seem to forget that Dumbledore is in fact over a hundred years old. Therefore, any granddaughter he would have had (if they are to be around Harry's age) must have been born from a kid of his, whom he would have concieved sometime after he turned fifty. So no, there is no hot young DILF Dumbledore to speak of, even if that were possible. He's all about the Grindelwald, baby. And Dumbledore would probably be against the idea of spawning such terrible Sues and Stus that in order for that to happen, he'd have to be literally raped (so that's what I wrote. Yes, this is a crackfic too xq) and only non-canon uberspeshul magic can hold Dumbledore down. Also, if Dumbledore rarely mentioned his actual family in the books, he sure as hell wouldn't mention his Sue-ish relatives if he could help it.**

**I gave Desdemona the obligatory wangsty past, complete with dead relatives and insane best friend. Does she have scars somewhere on her body because she cuts herself with her toothbrush? Possibly. And Tasha's clothes are forever to be skimpy, because the powers of Tootsitramp override such things as a dress code.**

**So now Harry has been warned by Dumbledore to come to him the moment he starts turning even the slightest bit OOC. Dammit Harry, if you can resist the Imperius curse, you can resist the Qanonreip curse as well. Yeah, so I didn't expect all of the Sues' backstories to be this long, so I decided to stop there. Next chapter, we'll get to the actual beginning of classes. Ta-ta!**


	4. It's Tough Being a Boy at Hogwarts

**I am not responsible for any brain breakage this chapter may induce with its crack contents. First day of classes is here!**

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**Chapter 4: It's Tough, Being A Boy at Hogwarts**

Harry and Hermione ran to the Great Hall where the rest of the students were already sitting down and eating breakfast.

"Where have you two been?" Ron asked once they sat down next to him at the Gryffindor table. He had already finished his plate of sausages and eggs.

"Dumbledore's office," Harry muttered. He and Hermione quickly filled Ron in on everything they had learned about the three girls. Ron's eyes widened as they finished their explanation.

"Dumbledore was… was… by that woman?" he sputtered.

"Ron please, I don't want to think about it any more than you do," Hermione said fervently. She glanced left and right. "I don't see Eliana at the table."

"She's eating with the Hufflepuffs this morning," Ron nodded his head at the next table, "Said she wanted to get to know her other classmates."

Harry looked over his shoulder and saw Eliana sitting near Cedric Diggory. She was sending him little hopeful glances, though he didn't seem to notice.

"Looks like she'll be having class with them today," Hermione said, not bothering to hide her cheerfulness, "Come on. We have Potions with the Slytherins next."

Harry and Ron groaned, but got up and followed her quicker pace to the dungeons. When they arrived in front of the door to the Potions classroom, they saw Desdemona Von Licorice, the strange and dark girl, leaning against the wall and looking broody.

"Hello," Hermione said politely. Ron gaped at her as if he thought engaging in conversation with the girl was more dangerous than encountering a dragon.

Desdemona glowered at them. "I don't talk to fucking preps," she growled.

Hermione was taken aback, but Ron jumped in front of her. "Don't talk to her like that!" he said angrily, "She was only trying to be nice, which is bloody well more than you deserve!"

"You think you can scare me?" Desdemona put up her gloved fists in front of her. "I know karajutaekwonfu and I can totally kick your ass!"

Harry was about to bring out his wand in case things got messy when a cold voice spoke behind him. "What is going on here? Why aren't you inside the classroom?"

Snape surveyed them with his usual disdain. Ron opened his mouth, but Hermione elbowed him in the ribs, knowing that could get them in more trouble.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," he said, "Each. Now hurry up before I decide to punish you further."

Furious, Harry entered the classroom followed by Ron, Hermione and Desdemona who stuck her tongue out at them. They sat themselves at the back, as far away from Snape's desk as possible. This was not the best way to begin the school year.

"Today, you will be learning how to make a hair growth potion. I suspect that some of you…" His black eyes lingered on Ron, who glared at him, "May well need some at a later stage of your lives. Premature balding is particularly common in those of poor brain capacity."

Harry clenched his fists, knowing full well he was being referred to. He refused to let himself be goaded by Snape on his first day back. He would not give him that satisfaction.

"Prepare your ingredients! Now!" Snape barked. Everyone jumped and bustled about, hurrying to the storage cabinet and flipping through their books. When Harry came back with his arms full of dead insects and strange smelling herbs, he was surprised to see Draco Malfoy setting up his cauldron at the table in front of him.

"What are you doing?" he hissed suspiciously.

Malfoy sneered at him. "I don't like this any more than you do, Potter. But I'd rather sit near you than be next to _her_." He jerked his head towards Desdemona, who was pulling out an electronic device and putting earphones on.

"She can't bring Muggle devices into Hogwarts! They won't work!" Hermione whispered frantically, "There's too much magic in the air! Anything electronic would go haywire."

"Looks like it's working to me," Harry said. He could hear the music blasting from her earphones, meaning she had to have it at full volume. He didn't know how she could stand the screaming heavy metal song for longer than a minute, but Desdemona was head banging to the music, her hair flying wildly around her face as she chopped her caterpillar.

"What's the matter Malfoy, afraid of a girl now?" Ron taunted.

Malfoy thrust his pestle threateningly at Ron's face. "If you're so brave, Weasley, why don't you sit next to her? She spent the evening in the Slytherin common room trying to slit her wrists with a quill and attempting to hex every girl in sight."

Ron looked warily at Desdemona who was now dipping her fingers in beetle juice and painting a pentacle star on her chest, encircling her bat tattoo.

"No one understands my paaaaaiiiinnnn…" she moaned forlornly.

At that point, Harry couldn't blame Malfoy for moving. He briefly wondered whether she had been hit with a Confundus Curse while at Durmstrang and never recovered. Possibly the worst part of the ordeal was that Snape had clearly noticed her odd antics but hadn't said a word. His face soured considerably every time he glanced at her, and his long fingers twitched as if he longed to put her out of her misery, but he never passed by her table. Dumbledore must have told him to leave the odd girl alone, Harry thought. There was no other reason for Snape to pass up such an opportunity to torment a student, even if she was in Slytherin.

The end of class couldn't have come soon enough. Harry, Ron and Hermione packed their things as quickly as possible. The rest of the students seemed to be in the same mindset. Even the Slytherins were avoiding being too close to Desdemona, who had thankfully reverted back to silently brooding.

When they walked out of the classroom, they saw Malfoy being cornered by her next to the staircase. He looked terrified, and under any other circumstances, Harry would have laughed but this girl seemed dangerous.

"I saw how you moved away from me!" she said angrily, "You think you're so fucking special, Malfoy? You're just a spoiled brat who's never experienced any of the hardships that _I've_ endured!"

"You're crazy!" Malfoy shouted, his eyes wide. "Get away from me!"

Harry made a move forward, but Ron pulled him back. "What are you doing?" he hissed at Harry, "Let Malfoy deal with it on his own!"

Desdemona's anger melted from her face. She narrowed her eyes at Malfoy, who was white as a sheet.

"No boy has ever said that to me before," she said slowly, as if she were discovering something new to humanity, "You're an asshole…" She leered and suddenly, her hands were sliding up Malfoy's chest. "That turns me on. I want you to have angry sex with me right now!"

Hermione gave a strangled cry as Desdemona ripped Malfoy's robes open, exposing his shirt underneath. Harry dashed forward, but Malfoy reacted by throwing a high-pitched scream and pushing Desdemona away from him. He stumbled up the stairs while she picked herself from the ground, panting heavily. When she turned to face the three Gryffindors, they all jumped back.

"We'd… best be off," Harry said quickly before hurrying in Malfoy's footsteps with Ron and Hermione in tow.

They broke out into a full run after they reached the top of the staircase, speeding through the Entrance Hall and out onto the grounds. Once the heavy double doors closed behind them, they slumped backwards to catch their breath and their wits.

"What was Dumbledore thinking?" Ron said through gasps, "Letting that girl come here? She should be shipped off to St. Mungo's indefinitely!"

Harry wiped the sweat off his brow and slumped over the steps he was sitting on. "I never thought I'd see the day when I would feel sorry for Malfoy."

"Well… If Dumbledore thinks she's safe enough to be here, then –"

"Hermione, no! Don't try to rationalize for that loony!" Ron interrupted sharply.

"Let's just get to Herbology," Harry said wearily. It was still the beginning of the day and he was already feeling drained.

They walked outside and shielded their eyes from the bright sun's rays. It was a perfect day, and the crisp morning air made the three feel much more relaxed. As they came closer to the greenhouses, they saw the reason for the unusually bright weather (unusual because it was September) standing outside like a tall sparkling beacon of sparkliness.

"Hello!" Eliana said cheerfully after waving her dainty hand. "The Gryffindor and Hufflepuff fourth-years have Herbology together! Isn't this exciting? I will get to know both of my housemates!"

"Wonderful," Hermione muttered before brushing past her and going straight into the greenhouse.

Eliana put a hand to her tiny mouth, which had formed into a thoughtful pout. "Oh my! What's the matter with Hermione?"

"Our first class didn't go so well," Ron said, rubbing the back of his neck, "That Desdemona is insane."

They walked inside and took the remaining spots around the quivering pots of bubotubers Professor Sprout had prepared for them.

"Morning, Eliana!" Justin Finch-Fletchley called out from his spot. Ernie Macmilan waved enthusiastically next to him; both were sporting huge grins on their faces.

"Hello, boys!" Eliana waved back and let out her familiar tinkling laugh that made Harry's ears hurt.

"That Veela part of her is really strong, eh?" Ron whispered into his ear. Indeed, Harry noticed that a lot of the boys around them were staring at Eliana slack-jawed.

Professor Sprout began to speak, and many of them reluctantly turned their heads to face her. They were learning how to extract pus from the bubotubers today, and were warned that undiluted bubotuber pus had a horrible reaction to skin.

"So make sure to wear your dragonhide gloves," Professor Sprout said.

The rest of the class passed calmly. Everyone was busy squeezing their bubotuber and trying to collect as much pus as possible into their bowls. Eliana had sung a sweet melody at hers, and it had instantly opened and poured out twice as much pus as anyone else had gathered.

"I can sing to plants to communicate with them," she had informed Hannah Abbot who was standing next to her.

After they had cleaned up, the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs trooped back to the castle for lunch. The Great Hall was not yet quite full by the time they arrived and they immediately sat down. Ron was starving as usual, and loaded his plate with as much spaghetti as he could fit without it overflowing. Hermione was poring over her timetable, and Harry was just about to take a bite out of his bread bun when he saw a blur of scarlet out of the corner of his eye take a seat next to him.

"Harry! I was going to talk to you this morning but I didn't get the time," a terse voice said.

Harry turned his head to see Oliver Wood, Keeper and captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team.

"Hello Oliver. Did you enjoy the World Cup this summer?"

"Yes! Outstanding, wasn't it?" Wood said excitedly, "Krum's maneuver of the Wronski feint was brilliant, but of course Ireland won, as they should. Pity about the Death Eaters of course, but I'm here to talk about more important things, Harry."

"Like what?" Harry asked.

"I need you to give me your class schedule so I can set up practice times. We need to begin as soon as possible! I know we won the cup last year, but it's imperative we show the rest of the school that we're not just one-time winners and–"

Harry let his mind wander like he usually did whenever Wood went off on one of his rants. Thankfully, he was saved by none other than Cedric Diggory who was walking by on his way to the Hufflepuff table and stopped to chat.

"Hello Harry, Wood," he said with his usual cheerful smile. "Have you started quidditch practice yet? We're having our first session this afternoon. You're playing us in the first match of the season."

Wood's eye twitched. He obviously had wanted to be the first one to have practice. "We're going to very soon," he said with restraint.

"Cedric Diggory! Hello!" Eliana piped in. She was sitting next to Wood and had been talking to Parvati and Lavender until now.

"Hello," Cedric replied, "You're Eliana, right? Both in Hufflepuff and Gryffindor House? Which house will you cheer for in quidditch?"

Wood looked at her expectantly. When Eliana's eyes met his, they turned cotton candy pink once more. She placed a hand over her chest and let out a little gasp. Harry wondered wryly whether she had a thing for quidditch captains.

"Oh my! I can't decide! You are both so stunningly handsome," she said dreamily.

Wood looked perturbed. "What does that have to do with quidditch?" he asked, but Cedric took it all in stride and thanked her warmly.

"Well, I'll be off then. See you at the match," he waved goodbye and went to join his friends.

"Such a gentleman!" Eliana said with a wistful sigh.

Wood spared her a wary glance before turning back to Harry. "Anyway, as I was saying, when can you–"

"I'll give you my schedule Wood, now can I please eat in peace?" Harry interrupted.

"Right. Excellent! I'll talk to you in the common room tonight."

Once he was gone, Eliana slid closer and took his empty spot next to Harry. She was looking at him with eyes the color of buttercup. He wondered if he'd ever be able to recognize all of her moods.

"What should I do, Harry?" she asked worriedly, "My heart is torn in two! Who should I choose? The dashing and gentlemanly Cedric or the roguish and handsome Oliver?"

Harry was at an instant loss. "But… didn't you just meet them both today?" he said weakly.

"Oh, Harry!" Eliana threw her head back and clasped her hands over her heart. "You don't understand! It was love at first sight!"

"What, with both of them?"

"Yes!" she cried, "I am on the verge of falling for them both but I cannot let that happen! I must choose!"

Ron and Harry exchanged furtive glances. They would never understand girls for the life of them.

They quickly finished and headed off to Charms, while Eliana went to Potions with the Hufflepuffs, to Hermione's joy. They arrived in Professor Flitwick's classroom and took their usual seats in the back row. The fourth-year Ravenclaws were also there, and Harry saw the voluptuous Tasha Zenith sashay into the row in front of him. Hermione clicked her tongue disapprovingly at her noticeable lack of clothing.

"Remember what Dumbledore told us. She can't help it," Harry whispered to her.

"Of course she can't," Hermione said with a snort.

"Settle down class, settle down!" Professor Flitwick squeaked, standing on his tower of tomes as usual. "Today, we will be learning how to perform a Summoning Charm!"

"Oh please, I learned that two years ago," Tasha said, flicking imaginary dust from underneath her fingernails.

"Well then, why don't you demonstrate?" Hermione said before Harry could stop her. Ron slammed his head on the desk with a groan.

Tasha turned and scoffed at her. "You know what bitch, you can be hatin' all you want but I know that all you haters are just jealous!"

"Girls, please!" Professor Flitwick said, "Let's all be civil to each other now."

He explained the workings of the Summoning Charm and had each student attempt to bring a feather towards them. Tasha was the first one to get it, murmuring a lazy "Accio". Her feather zoomed straight into the palm of her hand.

"Wow, that was amazing!" Seamus Finnigan said, look at her chest as he spoke.

"I know. I'm very good at making things _come_…" she looked meaningfully at Harry and Ron, her cherry-glossed lips resembling a sex dolls'. "… To me."

The boys gulped audibly and loosened their ties. Things would not get any easier when Tasha had placed the feather away from her in order to repeat the charm, only to have it fall off the desk.

"Whoops! How clumsy," she said unconvincingly.

She bent all the way forward to retrieve her feather and Ron nearly snapped his wand in half upon seeing her floss-thin pink thong. She finally sat upright again, and as she did, Cedric Diggory entered the classroom with a note in hand. She gasped upon noticing him and licked her lips. Cedric was blissfully unaware of all of this and handed Professor Flitwick his excuse note for being late to Charms this semester due to quidditch practice, and promptly left the room.

Tasha's eyes were glued to his behind until he disappeared out the door. And though Harry, Ron and Hermione couldn't see it, Seamus who was seated next to her noticed her nipples instantly poke out of her thin shirt. His jaw dropped, feather completely forgotten.

Harry could tell that she was getting fidgety in her seat ever since Cedric left. He shook his head and willed himself to think of his feather and only his feather, trying to make it come to him. But then he heard Tasha moan languorously and suddenly he found it very, very difficult to concentrate on his feather.

"Who… was… that?" Tasha asked between pants.

"Cedric Diggory from Hufflepuff," Seamus immediately responded to her boobs.

"He is sooooo sexy!" Tasha bit her lip, "God, look at me! He got me wet in like, five seconds!" At which point Ron let out a 'meep!' and his leg uncontrollably twitched while Hermione was seriously considering stuffing some feathers into her ears so she wouldn't have to hear anymore.

Finally, at long last, thank GOD, the class was over. Many of the boys were walking a little funny and staring at Tasha, who walked away probably to go diddle herself while thinking of Cedric and yes, that mental image was very necessary.

"I'm not sure if I still want to eat after all I've heard and seen," Hermione said to the two boys as they walked towards the moving staircases.

"Er, actually, I was thinking about taking a… cold… shower before dinner," Ron said, his voice quivering.

"Yeah, me too!" Harry added quickly.

They both ran away to Gryffindor Tower, leaving Hermione alone and flabbergasted before she turned and hit her head repeatedly against the wall, muttering: "You can survive this year… You can survive this year…"

While Hermione fumed by herself in the Great Hall, she had a thankful reprieve from Eliana, who had gone to sit with the Hufflepuffs for dinner. More specifically, she was sitting next to Cedric Diggory and comparing his every physical feature to Adonis. Cedric, being a very polite boy, said nothing to shut her up but was feeling increasingly confused by her attentions.

"Your skin is so pale, almost pearlescent!" she said with another of her trademark Disney princess sighs.

Cedric was in fact darker than her, but who was he to judge what her standards of paleness were? He was nice like that.

"I would say it is almost… like a vampire's skin!"

"Really?" he laughed, "I can assure you that I am a hundred percent human. If I were a vampire they wouldn't let me go to Hogwarts."

"But surely…" Eliana shuffled closer, her already big eyes growing to anime proportions, "Surely you've noticed that you have an unearthly glow!"

"I do?" Well that was the first time he'd been informed of that.

"Yes! In fact, I'm almost sure that if you were to stand in direct sunlight, you would… sparkle… like a million diamonds!"

Cedric was trying very hard not to laugh at this point. "I'm… I'm not sure I follow. Why would I do that exactly?"

Eliana was about to explain when her eyes suddenly turned spinach green as she stared at something over Cedric's shoulder. He was going to turn and see what she was looking at when he felt someone brush his back.

"Hey, cutie." Tasha Zenith bent down so that her chest was at his eye level. "I saw you walking into my Charms class today."

"Oh, well hello then. Aren't you the American transfer student?" Cedric asked.

"Yep. And by the way, I was just made into a prefect." She shoved her left boob where her gleaming badge was pinned closer to his face. Cedric instinctively moved backwards while behind him, Eliana's tiny fists trembled in her lap.

"Some bimbo in Ravenclaw was going on and on about how I couldn't be a prefect because I wasn't in fifth year and that I was a foreign student, so I beat the shit out of her and then everyone was so impressed that I became prefect." She smiled at Cedric, waiting for him to reply but he just stared at her horrified.

"Soooo, what I'm trying to say is…" she let one of her long fingers trail down his chest, "I know the password to the prefects' bathroom now. You know… where you and I can be alone…"

Eliana let out a dry sob. "Oh, Cedric. How could you?"

"I'm sorry?" said the poor, confused boy.

"I gave you my heart and you just broke it into a thousand tiny fragments!" she cried before bolting out of the Great Hall in tears.

"I… wha… but…" Cedric sputtered before Tasha grabbed his chin and swiveled his head around to face her again.

"Let me know when you want to go there, Sexface," she purred. Her wandering hand slid down with the agility of a ninja and gave him a quick squeeze between his legs. Cedric let out a strangled cry before she released him and sauntered back to the Ravenclaw table. Cedric turned away and struggled to regain his composure. Unfortunately for him, Cho Chang had seen the entire exchange and just as Tasha sat down, she got up from the Ravenclaw table and angrily marched towards him, ready to rip him a new one.

* * *

**Teeheehee. Oh, Cedric. Even in the grave, you're not safe.**


End file.
